


The Wholeness of Shattered Pieces

by OrmondSacker



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Comfort, Emotional Trauma, Emotions, Everybody Lives, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mention Of Genocide, Mention of torture, Psychological Trauma, Trauma, Trauma Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 18:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11236662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: Sometimes Cassian feels broken, but Bodhi isn't exactly whole himself.





	The Wholeness of Shattered Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: “Because I love you god damn it!” which I got back when I was Luminousfinn, but I have completely forgotten who gave it to me. So, whoever you were I hope you see it and enjoy it.  
> As the theme of the story ended up fitting Day 1 of Bassian Week I finally got my ass in gear and finished it. Enjoy all.

“You want help with that?” Bodhi asks him, nodding towards the blaster rifle in Cassian hands. The rifle that he’s currently taking apart for cleaning. 

“No.” Cassian answers tersely. 

Bodhi has been hovering ever since he can back from his supply run for the Rebellion. Cassian had arrived a day before Bodhi did, returned from an information retrieval mission to Endahl that had gone sour, where he and Kay had only got away by the skin of their teeth. Cassian had sequestered himself inside his ship and refused to talk to anyone after debriefing with Draven. 

Everyone had respected his desire for solitude, even Kay has kept himself occupied with things away from the ship. Everyone but Bodhi. The pilot had barely set foot on the base, before he was on board Cassian’s ship and in his face. 

Cassian can’t deiced if he finds it irritating or not. Part of him - the larger part Cassian tells himself - wants Bodhi gone, wants to return to his solitary brooding. Another wants him to stay, finds solace in his company. A dangerous solace, one he doesn't want to get used to because he doesn't know what he'd do without it once Bodhi decides to move on. 

Bodhi shrugs at Cassian's answer, turns on his heel and leaves. Cassian tells himself that that is what he wanted, pushing aside the sharp pang in his chest and refocusing on the blaster rifle. 

Carefully and methodically he disassembles it, putting each piece on the table in correct order. Once it is taken apart Cassian picks up the soft, square piece of cloth next to his right hand and starts cleaning each individual part with equal care. 

All the time his hands are moving his mind wanders, back to Endahl, to the informant, to the feeling of flesh beneath his knuckles, the sound of bones breaking and the nauseating smell of charred flesh mixed with the lingering scent on a fired blaster. 

The sudden appearance of a person in the doorway to his room makes his combat instincts kick in and he grabs to rifle's power cell, intending to use it as an improvised thrown weapon when Bodhi's voice cuts through the haze of his mind. 

"Hey, hey. It's just me," he says, a hint of panic in his voice. Then he continues in a softer tone, "It's okay Cassian. You're safe, you're at the base. No one can hurt you here." 

"I know that," Cassian snaps, slamming the power pack back down on the table. His heart sits in his throat, racing far too fast. 

If he had thrown that. It probably wouldn't have killed Bodhi, but it would have hurt him. Badly even. Cassian knows how good his balls eye is even without aiming. 

"Cassian, breathe." Bodhi takes one step into the room and then to the side, leaving a clear escape route. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Trying to talk you down. You're panicking." 

"I'm not-" 

"You are," Bodhi interrupts him gently. A wry smile forms on his lips. "I should know what panic looks like, don't you think." 

"Well, I don't- _I could have hurt you!_ " 

"I'm sorry. I saw how fine an edge you were on before, I shouldn't have walked in without warning." 

"You're apologizing? After I almost-" 

Cassian closes his eyes, clenching his hands at his sides, struggling to stay calm. To not shout again. Bodhi doesn’t deserve that. He deserves... someone better than Cassian, someone normal. Someone who doesn't try to kill him because he walks in without knocking. 

"I'm apologizing for frightening you." 

"You didn't frighten me." 

"No? Then why did you almost attack me?" 

 _Because I'm a walking weapon. Because I've been honed to such a fine edge I no longer know how to relax._  

"I was startled," is all Cassian says. 

Bodhi shakes his head and folds his arms over his chest, but relents on the topic anyway. 

"I've made lunch, come eat." 

"I'm in the middle of something." Cassian waves at the disassembled rifle. 

Bodhi's gaze follows his motion then slides back to him and he raises one eyebrow. 

"I don't think that's going to run away on you. Come eat first, when was the last time you ate something?" 

"This morning," Cassian says, more to shut Bodhi up than because it's true. If he's honest he isn't sure when the last time he ate something was. 

"Not according to Kay. You're worrying him, you know. A lot." 

"Then Kay can come talk to me," Cassian snaps, wishing Bodhi would leave again so that he'd be alone. Like he was used to being. 

"Yes well, I'm the one talking to you right now." 

"Why?" 

"Huh. What do you mean?" 

"Just that, why? Why are you talking to me?" It isn't like he has been making things easy for Bodhi, any intelligent being would have left long ago and Bodhi is anything but stupid. So the fact that he keeps sticking around Cassian makes no sense to him. 

Bodhi lets his arms fall down to hang loosely by his sides, his eyes momentarily wavering from Cassian, wandering around the room before finally settling on him again. 

"Do you remember, just after Scarif? What I was like? That I would sit for hours staring at nothing? Wouldn't eat unless someone made me? Couldn't sleep most nights?" 

Cassian nods. He's not likely to forget it.  

For all that they had done, few had paid any attention to them once the official ceremony was done. The Rebellion was scrambling to get to safety from Imperial retribution and as for their own team each of them had been dealing with things their own way. Jyn had drifted off, just gone one morning, leaving only a note that said "thank you, I'm sorry". The two Guardians had kept to themselves and Cassian couldn't blame them. Kay had snarked his way through him being reassembled.  

Cassian had intended to go back to business as usual, not really knowing what else to do, but there had been Bodhi, sitting alone on his bed in medbay, his hair cut short so the doctors could treat his severe burns more easily, staring at the wall. 

Offering comfort had never been something Cassian had been good at. He can barely manage his own emotions a lot of the time, much less anyone else's. Oh he can fake it and do it well, but for him it always carries a sense of playing false. It's what he does with informants, people he's trying to get information out of, marks he needs to lure into a trap, but with someone he cares about? 

But there had been no one else. 

So Cassian had sat at Bodhi's bedside, held his hand and talked to him even though he wasn't sure Bodhi could hear him, gave no sign that he did. Talking about everything and anything that came to his mind. Put food in front of him, even fed him at times when Bodhi insisted on ignoring it, or maybe simply didn't notice it, lost as he was in his own mind. And after Bodhi got out of medbay and got his own room, Cassian would spent night after night in that room, keeping him company in insomnia. 

Slowly but surely, Bodhi had... Cassian couldn't say 'returned to himself', he had no idea what the man had been like before, but had become more of a talking, breathing, living person and less of a mobile shell. Cassian had thought that it would end there, that Bodhi would move on to other more normal people than Cassian, but he hadn't. He had stayed, had not only welcomed Cassian's company when he was near, but had sought him out when he wasn't. 

"Cassian?" Bodhi's voices draws Cassian out of his memories. 

"Yes," he answers Bodhi's previous question. "Yes I remember." _How could he ever forget?_  

"And you still ask me why I'm here now?" Bodhi says softly. 

"So it's gratitude?" 

For some reason that thought is a bitter pill to swallow and it burns in his heart. 

"Some," Bodhi says quietly. "In the beginning. But that's changed." 

Bodhi steps into the cabin, slowly closing on Cassian, approaching him as you would someone who's either likely to bolt or rip your throat out. Cassian isn't sure which category Bodhi has put him in and that thought burns too. 

"Do you want to know what it is?" Bodhi asks stopping right in front of Cassian. 

Cassian nods, finding that his voice fails him. 

Bodhi reaches out and takes Cassian's hands in his, tangling their fingers together and holding Cassian's eyes with his own. 

"Because I love you dammit." 

The words are spoken with that quiet passion Bodhi has, the one that Cassian saw burn in his eyes on Yavin when he said they all wanted to fight, in the same quiet voice that he just declared his love for Cassian. 

"That's... a spectacularly bad idea," Cassian says. 

A small, luminescent smile flits across Bodhi's lips. 

"I think it's an excellent idea. Even if you're damn impossible sometimes." 

Cassian takes a step back, pulling his hands out of Bodhi's. Suddenly the skin on the back of them feels cold and bare. 

"Bodhi it's not that- It's not that I don't care for you, I just- I'm not-" 

"Not what?" 

 _Not worth your time_. It's what Cassian wants to say, but can't. 

"Whole," he finally answers. "I don't think I have ever been whole. I don't know- I don't know how to do this." 

"You've done great so far. All the times you've just sat by me, listened to me when I needed to talk about-" Shadows, far too familiar to Cassian, creeps over Bodhi's face, gathering in his eyes. "About Jedha. About everything." 

Cassian reaches out, puts one hand on Bodhi's arm, rubbing it gently. 

"Of course I'll listen." 

It's not that he particularly wants to hear about it all, about the ghosts and memories that haunts Bodhi, but if talking about the demons and the nightmares helps him keep them at bay, then Cassian will listen. 

The smile comes back, but it is van now and it doesn't quite reach Bodhi's eyes. 

"See, that's what I mean. You listen as the most self-evident thing in the galaxy. It's not to most. Even other Jedhans, they don't want to hear about..." Bodhi swallows hard. "I don't blame them, I don't, it's hard listening to, but you still listen." 

Bodhi puts a hand over Cassian's, the warmth from it bleeding back into Cassian's fingers. 

"That's one of the reasons I love you." 

Cassian doesn't know how to answer that and his hand feels so warm under Bodhi's. 

"I don't expect an answer out of you right now, or any time soon. You probably didn't expect me to declare my undying love for you. I just... wanted you to know, that I love you, and think about it." Bodhi gives an uncomfortable shrug. "Now come eat, before lunch gets cold." 

Cassian lets Bodhi lead him into the galley and sit him down at the table. He begins to eat but only takes three bites before he puts down the fork again and looks at Bodhi. 

"Bodhi, I meant what I said when I said that- that I'm not whole. I don't think I ever will be even if I survive this war." 

"You think I am? Ever will be?" Bodhi asks him, his voice soft and forceful at the same time, his dark eyes locking with Cassian's, holding his gaze and the fires deep in them pulling Cassian further in. 

Cassian wants to tell him that he will be, that of course he'll heal and be whole and happy someday, but he can't. He knows the words would be a lie, because along with the fires in Bodhi's eyes he sees the sharp edge of something broken so bad it can never be fully put together again, recognizes them from when he meets his own gaze in a mirror. 

So he says nothing. Instead he slowly, falteringly, holds out one hand towards Bodhi, putting it on the table, palm up. With that soft, warm smile of his, Bodhi puts his hand in Cassian's and Cassian closes his fingers around it. 

They both resume eating in silence, never letting go of each other's hands. Cassian wishes he had more of an answer to give Bodhi, a clear yes or no, but right now this is all he has. Every so often he'll look up at Bodhi and catch the play of warmth and shadows over his face and – when Bodhi looks up at him too – in his eyes.  

Neither of them are whole, neither of them will ever be, but here, sitting like this, Cassian decides that maybe it'll work anyway, maybe there is a future somewhere ahead. For both of them. 


End file.
